Greedyguts
I sat in the cafe and sipped at a Coke.
There sat down beside me a whopping great bloke
Who sighed as he elbowed me into the wall:
'Your trouble, my boy, is your belly's too small!
Your bottom's too thin! Take a lesson from me:
I may not be nice, but I'm great, you'll agree,
And I've lasted a lifetime by playing this hunch:
The bigger the breakfast, the larger the lunch!
'The larger the lunch, the huger the supper.
The deeper the teapot, the vaster the cupper.
The fatter the sausage, the fuller the tea.
The more on the table, the better for me!'
His elbows moved in and his elbows moved out,
His belly grew bigger, chins wobbled about,
As forkful by forkful and plate after plate,
He ate and he ate and he ate and he ate!
I hardly could breathe, I was squashed out of shape,
So under the table I made my escape.
'Aha!' he rejoiced, 'when it's put to the test,
The fellow who's fattest will come off the best!
Remember, my boy, when it comes to the crunch:
The bigger the breakfast, the larger the lunch!
'The larger the lunch, the huger the supper.
The deeper the teapot, the vaster the cupper.
The fatter the sausage, the fuller the tea.
The more on the table, the better for me!'
A lady came by, who was scrubbing the floor
With a mop and a bucket. To even the score,
I lifted that bucket of water and said,
As I poured the whole lot of it over his head:
'I've found all my life, it's a pretty sure bet:
The fuller the bucket, the wetter you get!'
Waiting for the Tone
My sister is my surest friend
And yet, great snakes! she seems to spend
Her life upon the telephone.
Talking to her boyfriend, Tone.
Although - a sad and sorry joke -
She doesn't seem to like the bloke.
'Don't take that tone with me, Tone,
Don't take that tone with me,
Or else I'll put down the phone, Tone,
And alone, Tone, you will be.
'Don't call me just to moan, Tone,
Can't stand your whingeing on.
Next time you ring for a groan, Tone,
You'll find that I have gone.'
And she can keep this up for hours:
Her taste for Tone's moans never sours.
So when I think that he might call
I silently steal down the hall
And give the phone a hateful look...
Then take the blighter off the hook.
